I wrote that last post in an attempt to record my thoughts and feelings on recent events in my life. I think I can say that I failed spectacularly. I tried to be at least honest if not eloquent, but I suppose there just aren’t words to describe how incredibly bad I really feel.
I suppose that’s enough whining though. What else is there to say about it? The best thing now is to just get back up and keep walking.
I just got suspended from my job for 3 days.
Thank God.
I suppose I should explain that. You see, last night I fell asleep while on shift (11PM to 9AM). It was only about 10 minutes, but that night someone just happened to drop by at that exact time. It was odd- since it was actually pretty early- that I should be so tired. The day before I had tried to get some sleep. I lay in bed for about 2 hours, but, tired as I was, I remained wide awake the whole time. This unlikely collusion of events was, however, most fortunate.
To help you understand that, I should inform you concerning art stores in the Bay Area.
So far, I have managed to find nothing in the East Bay. This left me Frisco itself which, not having a car, is a difficult proposition. Nevertheless, I looked up two of the biggest art stores in Frisco and one day made an effort. Both of these places were on a major thoroughfare (the name of which escapes me at the moment), which made things easier. But it was a wasted effort anyway, since neither of those stores had what I was looking for. In fact, the only thing I came away with was a rather unpleasant memory. On both sides, in startling numbers, were transients.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many homeless people in one place before. And I’ll be honest with you, it frightened me. Because no one seemed to notice. Thousands of people walk by all those other people everyday and avert their eyes and minds and stoically keep on moving with a purposeful determination to rival any standing army. And on that particular Saturday, I was one of them.
I felt bad for a few hours, but I was over it the next day. I rationalized: after all there were so many, what could I do? And that bothers me. How can I think like that? I suppose because I’m human, and horrible things are what we do.
But it was easy to forget; it was all just a few scattered thoughts that never left my head. Those secret sins of omission are the worst, because we so rarely have to deal with any consequences. Most of what we call guilt is, after all, merely embarrassment at being caught and frustration with the consequences, and that’s selfish and petty and a total wast of time.
Today I was reminded of that. And just in time. I’ve recently begun working on my first webcomic. Me and my friends have lots of stories and ideas, and for the first time, I really felt like I was getting somewhere. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. But iniquity is self-defeating. My pride, like Ouroboros, can only subsist by devouring itself. And though by doing so it lives a little longer, the pain must be a reminder that eventually it will run out of tail.
I thank God for that pain. I felt it today and it prompted me to put an end to my lax attitude. I have so much now that is by no rights mine, that I never earned. I’ve taken it all for granted and that has to stop. I pray now that God would kill the serpent in me. I would be free of it’s habits, and I hope the pain never stops until the operation is complete.
In returning my attentions to this blog I have noticed that the spelling is absolutely atrocious. So I have written this post to reprimand myself.
That is all.
Librarything